I Married Only Half of My Husband: The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
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My husband’s persona outside of our home was definitely different from the one my children and I experienced in the home. This was both frustrating and isolating for me, as my husband just had a way of seeming likeable while making me seem like the bad guy. I knew nobody knew the truth. And I knew nobody would believe me if I told them.
I always thought it weird that he didn’t want me to like his family or friends. He tried everything to discourage me from talking to his family, by badmouthing them, questioning their intentions, and offering “warnings” about the negative consequences of befriending them. He lied to his so-called friends constantly, so he took care of that end. Wives of friends clearly kept their distance from me, and I may never fully know how many lies were told about me, other than the ones I would stumble upon in his text messages. I wondered why anyone would want people to think his wife was this horrible person. Why would he not feel embarrassed by this? How would he explain why he even married someone so despicable? Or that made him so miserable? Wouldn’t these people notice discrepancies in how he treated me in public, versus how he spoke of me in private? I can only assume that it was just more lies. He could explain anything with more lies.
His lies behind my back were calculated and constant. The purpose, to discredit me as much as possible, so if and when I decided to tell his deepest, darkest secrets, they would not be easily believed. He put a lot of effort into constantly discrediting me. Especially when we had to be around others, and he didn’t want things to appear too normal. My husband had a way of poking, abusing and instigating, until I responded with anger, or some other normal reaction, so he could then accuse me of being the one out of control. Something I later learned was a popular and practiced narcissistic skill coined reactive abuse. One more manipulative tactic that would allow him to play the victim, to get the attention he always sought from others. At my expense, of course.
My husband was a great victim. He would start arguments that made no sense, sometimes yelling at me for something HE had done. He would call me names, attack my vulnerabilities, degrade me, and confuse me, until I broke. Once I got angry, and yelled back, or questioned his actions, pointed out his wrongdoings or any other normal response, he would get someone on the phone, and ever-so-calmly explain how out-of-control I was, or how inappropriate I was acting or how I was behaving like a crazy person. “Do you hear this? This is what I have to put up with. I need to get away from her!” he would say! He was a master of provoking me by creating chaos, so he could show everyone how “unhinged” I was.
Other times, he would start the arguments in the car on the way to a gathering. He would verbally and emotionally assault me all the way there, until I was so battered and distraught in spirit, that I couldn’t possibly imagine socializing with anyone. Until I was consumed with thoughts of everything he wanted to change about me, everything he told me people couldn’t stand about me, every topic he told me I was ignorant about, and sometimes every negative thing he shared that “others had said about me”. Then, we would pull up to the event, and he would step out, as happy and calm as could be. Meanwhile, I would so uncomfortably sulk in a shadow, feeling so worthless and confused and falling apart, listening to him laughing and pleasing and doing what he does, and easily pointing out how miserable I was to be around. I could see their questions in their faces, “what is he doing with her?” His talent of superficial charm made him irresistible………….it also made him a dangerous, anti-social predator.
Beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing. We are told the story starting in early childhood. It's part of our fairy tale. But so many of us have fallen for it, or are falling for it now. Many don’t even know it yet. And if you haven’t met that wolf, you would never understand the anguish that those of us who have are experiencing. That is what makes it such a devastatingly lonely experience. I did wish for a fairy tale. Perhaps, I should have been more specific as to which fairy tale I wanted to live out?!
Recommended Book - A MUST READ for anyone who wants to survive, heal from, escape, or avoid a narcissistic abuser:
Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself
Get it here: https://amzn.to/3dJQ2xj