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Lost, Exhausted, and Searching for Answers




I never imagined I’d find myself in this situation—pregnant, stressed, and desperately searching for clarity. I’m sharing my story here because I know I’m not alone. Many of you have been through similar struggles, and your words of encouragement and advice have helped me before. I hope that by sharing my experience, I can find the strength and support I need to move forward.


My ex has been in and out of jail throughout 2024. He’s back in now, largely because he violated the temporary restraining order I had against him by reaching out to me. My mother called the police, and while I was fine with him calling, I knew it was a violation.

I recently found out I’m pregnant—just 5 weeks along. When I told him, he was furious. At my ultrasound, he was cold and unkind. Days before, he had screamed at me to get an abortion. The emotional whiplash was unbearable.


Now that he’s in jail, he’s singing a different tune. He’s begging me to keep the baby, claiming he’s ready to change. He’s talking about setting up a crib, joining the union, and working a stable job. But deep down, I know the reality: his actions rarely match his words.

This man has physically abused me, mentally manipulated me, and destroyed my belongings in fits of drunken rage. One time, he punched out my car windows while my dog was inside. He has created a life of chaos, and I can’t imagine bringing a child into it.

For the past week, I’ve prayed for guidance. I’ve wrestled with this decision endlessly, weighing every possibility and trying to find peace. After consulting with my doctor, I decided to schedule an abortion. She explained that since it’s so early, it’s just a sac right now, and this would be the best time to move forward if I choose to.


This decision hasn’t come lightly. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and I never thought I’d consider this path. But the thought of raising a child in the same environment of chaos, fear, and instability that I’ve endured feels unbearable. I don’t want to be a single mother, struggling to make ends meet, while my child grows up in a cycle of dysfunction.


I’ve written about my situation before, and many of you urged me to raise the baby alone and cut my ex out completely. I appreciate the advice and support, but I feel torn. I was raised by a single mom after my dad passed when I was three, and it was incredibly hard. I don’t want my child to go through that, yet I also don’t want to spend my life tethered to an abusive, controlling man who makes promises he can’t keep.


I got accepted into grad school—a huge accomplishment that should be a source of joy and excitement. But instead, I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. I feel like I’m drowning in this decision, unable to see a clear way forward.


I’m sharing this because I need answers, encouragement, and support from those who’ve been here before. How do you find the strength to make such a life-changing decision? How do you protect yourself while still holding onto hope for a better future?


If you’ve faced a similar choice, I’d love to hear how you navigated it. Did you choose to raise your child on your own? Did you make the difficult decision not to go through with the pregnancy? How did you find peace with your choice?


To anyone else feeling lost right now, know that you’re not alone. Narcissistic abuse takes so much from us—our self-worth, our peace, and our ability to trust ourselves. But together, we can find the strength to reclaim our lives.


Thank you for reading, and thank you for being here. Your support means everything. 💜

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